I Am Ready Now..

I had a dream over the weekend. It was not a good one. I wasn't here. So... I am ready now. That.Is.All.

Sinking

With every bite, I am killing myself. With every sip, I am causing pain. I am trading my life for forks full of mashed potatoes and those little squares of Dove chocolate with gooey caramel inside. And apparently, knowing this just isn't enough for me.

Since my last "positive" post, I am heavier and more unhealthy. The most exercise I have gotten in the past few weeks was sweeping the leaves and winter debris from my deck. Now, my deck is gigantic, however, not nearly gigantic enough to constitute a "work-out".

Here is what scares me: (and honestly I think the reason why I have been so sedentary for so long)... The day following my sweeping action, upon standing, I succumbed to my massive headache of past and the "whoosh-whoosh" of my heart beat in my head while everything else got foggy and quiet.  None of my doctors have been able to explain this entirely!! It COULD be from the swelling in my back and neck that aggravate my spinal stenosis and my Chiari. COULD! It makes sense when you think about it. Muscles swelling and pinching nerves that are already being pinched. But how do I free myself from this?  It is painful and scary.  For those who actually KNOW me, they know that I am not a whiner, nor am I a hypochondriac. If anything, I have always plowed through any pain and moved on. This time, however, I am nervous and I honestly do not know what it is ultimately doing to me.

Now, if I were to just "live" with this, ok... It would be hard, but... ok. However, as I began this blog, my food intake is awful. Beyond awful. Embarrassing! I am an addict of everything bad. I have a feeling that transforming this aspect will fuel a better "me" and the physical health issues may subside a bit. Herein lies the problem. I can't seem to do it.

Until this moment, I hesitated... actually refused to use the word "can't". But I am struggling here. I am sinking.

Peace,
K

NutriBlast Me

Alright... So we remember my "7 Day Juice Fast", right? I should say, "Kinda Almost a 3 Day Juice Fast". That is putting it more accurately. 

Well, I am not going to do that again. It seems that I am not cut out for the preparation, cost nor the clean-up necessary for a 7 day juice fast. Or any juice fast, for that matter. And although I keep telling myself that adding another 45 minutes to my morning is well worth the aggravation of the messiness caused, I still can't come to grips with it. I mean, I should ENJOY getting healthy... right? Right!

Which is why I purchased the "NutriBullet". According to the info-mercial, (and info-mericials are ALWAYS truthful), this thing annihilates  food into a drinkable smoothness while keeping all of the goodness that comes in the fruits and vegetables added. All of the fiber and I can add nuts and seeds and watch them liquefy. 

Anyway, I am going to try to add at least one "Nutri-blast" into my daily routine.

There Are No Magic Buttons...

Waking up every morning with a headache and feeling like I am in a fog has become "normal" for me. This is not good. I have made the promises but have slowly degraded further into unhealthiness and instability. I honestly fear for my future as I am poisoning myself with processed foods and drinks and chemically laden produce.

The fat that I have acquired over the past few years in surrounding my heart. I can feel it. I get short of breath... that's a lie... I get completely winded from the slightest exertion. Seriously. Putting on my socks takes my breath away and makes my heart race. MOVING takes my breath away.

I WANT to be healthy. I WANT to change. I WANT a magic button I can press that will alter my concept of food! I don't want to crave everything that I crave and I want to stop the excuses. I want to rise with a sense of clarity. I want each day to be representative of who I really am. Because right now, I am not that person.

What truly baffles me is how easy it was for me to quit smoking immediately upon hearing I had a brain aneurysm. I steadily and consistently smoked for over 15 years and loved it. I truly LOVED smoking. Yet, I have not touched a cigarette since November 29, 2009. What I am doing to my body and mind now are just as bad as those cigarettes. However, I find each day to be an overwhelming challenge and I cave into myself and feed the addiction.

If I cannot change this and be present, then...

Will I have the power to overcome myself?

I spend a large portion of every day wondering what my problem is. Wondering why I cannot care about myself enough to make simple changes that will ultimately effect my life for the good. I will have a good intention and then cave within hours of promising myself that THIS time will be different. That THIS time I will succeed. I never do. I am trying to figure out what my breaking point is. Is this it? Today? Have I reached it this time? Will I have the power to overcome myself?

I am the heaviest and unhealthiest I have ever been. I have yet to step on a scale, but trust me... I am at my heaviest. Not to mention, I wake up every morning in a fog with a feeling of a headache coming on (If I don't already have one).  My mind is not at it sharpest and I feel dizzy and have to constantly readjust my vision by blinking and stretching my eyes.  Let's put it this way... I feel like if I were to lay back down, I could sleep for many more hours. And this is how I feel EVERY morning and most of the day. It scares me a little. Honestly, it SHOULD scare me a lot.

I have spent years turning off the fear of my health. Even after I was diagnosed with my reality. My reality sucks. And I really don't like to think about it. But... if I don't start thinking about it, the reality I know now will be my best days. And that, would more than suck!

So... I am going to try a 7 day juice cleanse. Only juice and water for 7 days.

Writing this is risky. Two things could happen; I could fail. OR... I could succeed. The odds are overwhelmingly against me (within me), but I am going to try.

What Once Was Empty...

Making the change toward a healthier lifestyle seems like an insurmountable task, and the first few days are definitely difficult. This decision to live healthier in order to reverse the damage I have done to my body is only the first step (the easy step). A decision. A thought. An idea. The hard steps are: getting up, moving, being balanced. And the hardest step of all is being loyal.  Being loyal to myself.

I tend to let myself down. A lot.

That needs to stop and I need to figure out how to stop it.

This "thought" NEEDS to transform into a reality. If I can't make this happen, I fear for my future. So... I am going to give it my all! My past promises to myself have been empty. I need to fill them with integrity and self-respect.

Here's to something different...

K

Rebirth!

Once again, I begin my "rebirth". Over the course of the last several months (okay, maybe year and a half or two), I resigned myself to the fact that I was (or am), indeed... FAT! I ranted over my exploits and faked owning responsibility for my actions. I made hollow promises to myself and to the void and I did absolutely nothing to reverse this fact!

I woke this morning with too many thoughts (as usual). Worried about money, Christmas, family, friends, and most importantly, my health... It has become severely necessary that I start "walking the walk", physically and metaphorically. As you (my small number of readers) know, I have been afflicted with some issues that I have conveniently used to further my addiction. I have become laden with goo and have gained more weight than I care to mention. However, I am going to... I currently weigh 186 pounds. I have friends who tell me there is NO WAY I can weigh that much and that I definitely do not look at all like I do. I politely thank them and then wonder why in the world anyone would LIE about that?! Why would I boast that my weight is equal to the recommended weight for a 6 foot 2 inch man? I wouldn't!! I wish THAT was my problem!

Saying that I take "guilty pleasure" in my food selection and consumption is putting it very lightly. AS I am eating, the guilt pounds in my head, but yet... I continue. I honestly do not even enjoy the food anymore. It is just something to do. Something that used to pleasure me, but now all I am left with is the guilt!

I am sad. Not clinically...just unhappy with what I am doing to myself. And unhappy with the fact that I have obviously refused to make a change to reverse what I have done. I quit smoking the day I was told I had an aneurysm and have not looked back! I wonder... what will it take for me to give up my diet (if you can call it that)? I am working on that. I am working on it ONLY taking ME!

Happy Holidays! I will keep you posted...
K