Rebirth!

Once again, I begin my "rebirth". Over the course of the last several months (okay, maybe year and a half or two), I resigned myself to the fact that I was (or am), indeed... FAT! I ranted over my exploits and faked owning responsibility for my actions. I made hollow promises to myself and to the void and I did absolutely nothing to reverse this fact!

I woke this morning with too many thoughts (as usual). Worried about money, Christmas, family, friends, and most importantly, my health... It has become severely necessary that I start "walking the walk", physically and metaphorically. As you (my small number of readers) know, I have been afflicted with some issues that I have conveniently used to further my addiction. I have become laden with goo and have gained more weight than I care to mention. However, I am going to... I currently weigh 186 pounds. I have friends who tell me there is NO WAY I can weigh that much and that I definitely do not look at all like I do. I politely thank them and then wonder why in the world anyone would LIE about that?! Why would I boast that my weight is equal to the recommended weight for a 6 foot 2 inch man? I wouldn't!! I wish THAT was my problem!

Saying that I take "guilty pleasure" in my food selection and consumption is putting it very lightly. AS I am eating, the guilt pounds in my head, but yet... I continue. I honestly do not even enjoy the food anymore. It is just something to do. Something that used to pleasure me, but now all I am left with is the guilt!

I am sad. Not clinically...just unhappy with what I am doing to myself. And unhappy with the fact that I have obviously refused to make a change to reverse what I have done. I quit smoking the day I was told I had an aneurysm and have not looked back! I wonder... what will it take for me to give up my diet (if you can call it that)? I am working on that. I am working on it ONLY taking ME!

Happy Holidays! I will keep you posted...
K