Sinking

With every bite, I am killing myself. With every sip, I am causing pain. I am trading my life for forks full of mashed potatoes and those little squares of Dove chocolate with gooey caramel inside. And apparently, knowing this just isn't enough for me.

Since my last "positive" post, I am heavier and more unhealthy. The most exercise I have gotten in the past few weeks was sweeping the leaves and winter debris from my deck. Now, my deck is gigantic, however, not nearly gigantic enough to constitute a "work-out".

Here is what scares me: (and honestly I think the reason why I have been so sedentary for so long)... The day following my sweeping action, upon standing, I succumbed to my massive headache of past and the "whoosh-whoosh" of my heart beat in my head while everything else got foggy and quiet.  None of my doctors have been able to explain this entirely!! It COULD be from the swelling in my back and neck that aggravate my spinal stenosis and my Chiari. COULD! It makes sense when you think about it. Muscles swelling and pinching nerves that are already being pinched. But how do I free myself from this?  It is painful and scary.  For those who actually KNOW me, they know that I am not a whiner, nor am I a hypochondriac. If anything, I have always plowed through any pain and moved on. This time, however, I am nervous and I honestly do not know what it is ultimately doing to me.

Now, if I were to just "live" with this, ok... It would be hard, but... ok. However, as I began this blog, my food intake is awful. Beyond awful. Embarrassing! I am an addict of everything bad. I have a feeling that transforming this aspect will fuel a better "me" and the physical health issues may subside a bit. Herein lies the problem. I can't seem to do it.

Until this moment, I hesitated... actually refused to use the word "can't". But I am struggling here. I am sinking.

Peace,
K