Finding Truth in My OverFat Self...

Very few things can break me down to tears. Very few. But when something does, I feel bulldozed! And not my favorite kind of bulldoze by my Bulldozing Basset Hound.

Maris the Bulldozing Basset Hound

What did it was an awareness. First, I woke this morning after a dream that I was no longer here. That is all I can say about it. An overwhelming sense of not being here any longer. Everything else was the same, but I was gone. This dream, however, was not what had the pure power to plow me down. No. What did it was the clear realization the I am "overfat". Not simply overweight - OVERFAT! Beyond the beginning limits of obesity. I am obese. I take up much more space on this earth than I should and that is not right! And how do I KNOW this? I know this because I finally summoned some bravery and asked the Tweets to take 6 photos of me and begged her not to laugh. I knew she wouldn't, but I was feeling extremely self-conscious and unprotected. Her eyes told me a little more than words ever could as I think she was shocked. I think she was embarrassed and I know it had to have been awkward for her. But she was sweet and held it together pretty well.

Anyway...

I am easily over 200 pounds now. I feel it. I refused to (or neglected to) know this until today and because of this realization, I have gone through a whole list of emotions. Disgust, Anger, Disappointment, Sympathy, Frustration, Hatred, Regret, Shame, Reproach, and finally... Remorse. I am so sorry. Sorry to myself. Not FOR myself - but TO myself. I knew I was growing. I knew every time I pounded most of a large pizza and 3 Nutty Bars (the 2 per pack). I knew when I couldn't catch my breath just getting out of my car with my computer and purse. I knew every night when I scavenged the kitchen for anything that would fill that need. I don't even know what the hell kind of need I was trying to fill. But I can tell you this... It was a VERY deep need! Bottom line... I owe myself an apology.

I am sorry.

What I am feeling right now is nothing that I have felt before. I think I actually feel love for myself today. Love and respect. And it is time to start showing it.

So I will...

K