Finding Truth in My OverFat Self...

Very few things can break me down to tears. Very few. But when something does, I feel bulldozed! And not my favorite kind of bulldoze by my Bulldozing Basset Hound.

Maris the Bulldozing Basset Hound

What did it was an awareness. First, I woke this morning after a dream that I was no longer here. That is all I can say about it. An overwhelming sense of not being here any longer. Everything else was the same, but I was gone. This dream, however, was not what had the pure power to plow me down. No. What did it was the clear realization the I am "overfat". Not simply overweight - OVERFAT! Beyond the beginning limits of obesity. I am obese. I take up much more space on this earth than I should and that is not right! And how do I KNOW this? I know this because I finally summoned some bravery and asked the Tweets to take 6 photos of me and begged her not to laugh. I knew she wouldn't, but I was feeling extremely self-conscious and unprotected. Her eyes told me a little more than words ever could as I think she was shocked. I think she was embarrassed and I know it had to have been awkward for her. But she was sweet and held it together pretty well.

Anyway...

I am easily over 200 pounds now. I feel it. I refused to (or neglected to) know this until today and because of this realization, I have gone through a whole list of emotions. Disgust, Anger, Disappointment, Sympathy, Frustration, Hatred, Regret, Shame, Reproach, and finally... Remorse. I am so sorry. Sorry to myself. Not FOR myself - but TO myself. I knew I was growing. I knew every time I pounded most of a large pizza and 3 Nutty Bars (the 2 per pack). I knew when I couldn't catch my breath just getting out of my car with my computer and purse. I knew every night when I scavenged the kitchen for anything that would fill that need. I don't even know what the hell kind of need I was trying to fill. But I can tell you this... It was a VERY deep need! Bottom line... I owe myself an apology.

I am sorry.

What I am feeling right now is nothing that I have felt before. I think I actually feel love for myself today. Love and respect. And it is time to start showing it.

So I will...

K

I Am Ready Now..

I had a dream over the weekend. It was not a good one. I wasn't here. So... I am ready now. That.Is.All.

Sinking

With every bite, I am killing myself. With every sip, I am causing pain. I am trading my life for forks full of mashed potatoes and those little squares of Dove chocolate with gooey caramel inside. And apparently, knowing this just isn't enough for me.

Since my last "positive" post, I am heavier and more unhealthy. The most exercise I have gotten in the past few weeks was sweeping the leaves and winter debris from my deck. Now, my deck is gigantic, however, not nearly gigantic enough to constitute a "work-out".

Here is what scares me: (and honestly I think the reason why I have been so sedentary for so long)... The day following my sweeping action, upon standing, I succumbed to my massive headache of past and the "whoosh-whoosh" of my heart beat in my head while everything else got foggy and quiet.  None of my doctors have been able to explain this entirely!! It COULD be from the swelling in my back and neck that aggravate my spinal stenosis and my Chiari. COULD! It makes sense when you think about it. Muscles swelling and pinching nerves that are already being pinched. But how do I free myself from this?  It is painful and scary.  For those who actually KNOW me, they know that I am not a whiner, nor am I a hypochondriac. If anything, I have always plowed through any pain and moved on. This time, however, I am nervous and I honestly do not know what it is ultimately doing to me.

Now, if I were to just "live" with this, ok... It would be hard, but... ok. However, as I began this blog, my food intake is awful. Beyond awful. Embarrassing! I am an addict of everything bad. I have a feeling that transforming this aspect will fuel a better "me" and the physical health issues may subside a bit. Herein lies the problem. I can't seem to do it.

Until this moment, I hesitated... actually refused to use the word "can't". But I am struggling here. I am sinking.

Peace,
K