Need Food

I have been good for 2 days. Honestly, a record. My work-outs have been pitiful, but that is solely due to the fact that I have not done anything but gain weight for months and months. Even though I am struggling with the simplest of things right now, I know that will change as I continue and start dropping some pounds here and there. I think the elliptical will be a key component to that. So tonight, I am going to try to head over to Planet Fitness and do about an hour or so.

The other issue I am having is forgetting food. I leave the house at 8:30 every day and I am stuck in my office until 2:30. Twice now I have left my little snack bag on the counter in kitchen. Doesn't really help me sitting there!

I will get better.

K

Finding Truth in My OverFat Self...

Very few things can break me down to tears. Very few. But when something does, I feel bulldozed! And not my favorite kind of bulldoze by my Bulldozing Basset Hound.

Maris the Bulldozing Basset Hound

What did it was an awareness. First, I woke this morning after a dream that I was no longer here. That is all I can say about it. An overwhelming sense of not being here any longer. Everything else was the same, but I was gone. This dream, however, was not what had the pure power to plow me down. No. What did it was the clear realization the I am "overfat". Not simply overweight - OVERFAT! Beyond the beginning limits of obesity. I am obese. I take up much more space on this earth than I should and that is not right! And how do I KNOW this? I know this because I finally summoned some bravery and asked the Tweets to take 6 photos of me and begged her not to laugh. I knew she wouldn't, but I was feeling extremely self-conscious and unprotected. Her eyes told me a little more than words ever could as I think she was shocked. I think she was embarrassed and I know it had to have been awkward for her. But she was sweet and held it together pretty well.

Anyway...

I am easily over 200 pounds now. I feel it. I refused to (or neglected to) know this until today and because of this realization, I have gone through a whole list of emotions. Disgust, Anger, Disappointment, Sympathy, Frustration, Hatred, Regret, Shame, Reproach, and finally... Remorse. I am so sorry. Sorry to myself. Not FOR myself - but TO myself. I knew I was growing. I knew every time I pounded most of a large pizza and 3 Nutty Bars (the 2 per pack). I knew when I couldn't catch my breath just getting out of my car with my computer and purse. I knew every night when I scavenged the kitchen for anything that would fill that need. I don't even know what the hell kind of need I was trying to fill. But I can tell you this... It was a VERY deep need! Bottom line... I owe myself an apology.

I am sorry.

What I am feeling right now is nothing that I have felt before. I think I actually feel love for myself today. Love and respect. And it is time to start showing it.

So I will...

K

I Am Ready Now..

I had a dream over the weekend. It was not a good one. I wasn't here. So... I am ready now. That.Is.All.

Sinking

With every bite, I am killing myself. With every sip, I am causing pain. I am trading my life for forks full of mashed potatoes and those little squares of Dove chocolate with gooey caramel inside. And apparently, knowing this just isn't enough for me.

Since my last "positive" post, I am heavier and more unhealthy. The most exercise I have gotten in the past few weeks was sweeping the leaves and winter debris from my deck. Now, my deck is gigantic, however, not nearly gigantic enough to constitute a "work-out".

Here is what scares me: (and honestly I think the reason why I have been so sedentary for so long)... The day following my sweeping action, upon standing, I succumbed to my massive headache of past and the "whoosh-whoosh" of my heart beat in my head while everything else got foggy and quiet.  None of my doctors have been able to explain this entirely!! It COULD be from the swelling in my back and neck that aggravate my spinal stenosis and my Chiari. COULD! It makes sense when you think about it. Muscles swelling and pinching nerves that are already being pinched. But how do I free myself from this?  It is painful and scary.  For those who actually KNOW me, they know that I am not a whiner, nor am I a hypochondriac. If anything, I have always plowed through any pain and moved on. This time, however, I am nervous and I honestly do not know what it is ultimately doing to me.

Now, if I were to just "live" with this, ok... It would be hard, but... ok. However, as I began this blog, my food intake is awful. Beyond awful. Embarrassing! I am an addict of everything bad. I have a feeling that transforming this aspect will fuel a better "me" and the physical health issues may subside a bit. Herein lies the problem. I can't seem to do it.

Until this moment, I hesitated... actually refused to use the word "can't". But I am struggling here. I am sinking.

Peace,
K

NutriBlast Me

Alright... So we remember my "7 Day Juice Fast", right? I should say, "Kinda Almost a 3 Day Juice Fast". That is putting it more accurately. 

Well, I am not going to do that again. It seems that I am not cut out for the preparation, cost nor the clean-up necessary for a 7 day juice fast. Or any juice fast, for that matter. And although I keep telling myself that adding another 45 minutes to my morning is well worth the aggravation of the messiness caused, I still can't come to grips with it. I mean, I should ENJOY getting healthy... right? Right!

Which is why I purchased the "NutriBullet". According to the info-mercial, (and info-mericials are ALWAYS truthful), this thing annihilates  food into a drinkable smoothness while keeping all of the goodness that comes in the fruits and vegetables added. All of the fiber and I can add nuts and seeds and watch them liquefy. 

Anyway, I am going to try to add at least one "Nutri-blast" into my daily routine.

There Are No Magic Buttons...

Waking up every morning with a headache and feeling like I am in a fog has become "normal" for me. This is not good. I have made the promises but have slowly degraded further into unhealthiness and instability. I honestly fear for my future as I am poisoning myself with processed foods and drinks and chemically laden produce.

The fat that I have acquired over the past few years in surrounding my heart. I can feel it. I get short of breath... that's a lie... I get completely winded from the slightest exertion. Seriously. Putting on my socks takes my breath away and makes my heart race. MOVING takes my breath away.

I WANT to be healthy. I WANT to change. I WANT a magic button I can press that will alter my concept of food! I don't want to crave everything that I crave and I want to stop the excuses. I want to rise with a sense of clarity. I want each day to be representative of who I really am. Because right now, I am not that person.

What truly baffles me is how easy it was for me to quit smoking immediately upon hearing I had a brain aneurysm. I steadily and consistently smoked for over 15 years and loved it. I truly LOVED smoking. Yet, I have not touched a cigarette since November 29, 2009. What I am doing to my body and mind now are just as bad as those cigarettes. However, I find each day to be an overwhelming challenge and I cave into myself and feed the addiction.

If I cannot change this and be present, then...

Will I have the power to overcome myself?

I spend a large portion of every day wondering what my problem is. Wondering why I cannot care about myself enough to make simple changes that will ultimately effect my life for the good. I will have a good intention and then cave within hours of promising myself that THIS time will be different. That THIS time I will succeed. I never do. I am trying to figure out what my breaking point is. Is this it? Today? Have I reached it this time? Will I have the power to overcome myself?

I am the heaviest and unhealthiest I have ever been. I have yet to step on a scale, but trust me... I am at my heaviest. Not to mention, I wake up every morning in a fog with a feeling of a headache coming on (If I don't already have one).  My mind is not at it sharpest and I feel dizzy and have to constantly readjust my vision by blinking and stretching my eyes.  Let's put it this way... I feel like if I were to lay back down, I could sleep for many more hours. And this is how I feel EVERY morning and most of the day. It scares me a little. Honestly, it SHOULD scare me a lot.

I have spent years turning off the fear of my health. Even after I was diagnosed with my reality. My reality sucks. And I really don't like to think about it. But... if I don't start thinking about it, the reality I know now will be my best days. And that, would more than suck!

So... I am going to try a 7 day juice cleanse. Only juice and water for 7 days.

Writing this is risky. Two things could happen; I could fail. OR... I could succeed. The odds are overwhelmingly against me (within me), but I am going to try.