Another Shot...?

It seems disappointing myself is a constant in my life. I am the heaviest I have ever been (227 lbs) and am the most out-of-shape I think I can get. I was in the hospital last week. Woke up dizzy and couldn’t maintain balance for 2 days. Even now, 7 days later, I still feel as though I am in a fog. 

The cause...?

Chiari? Maybe. 

Fat? Definitely. 

I got up this morning, walked the puppies, had a cup of coffee, looked myself dead in the eye and cried. Then... I got angry. I am walking a dangerous line right now, and I feel myself tilting. I need to right this ship before it sinks. Stabilize. I’m lazy and non-existent when it comes to my health. I need to change. Not for “now” - but forever.

So... I fumbled through a work-out I used to blast through. Well... saying “fumbled through” is too forgiving. I couldn’t even do the yoga poses. But I put on my cross-trainers and sports bra, and did what my body would allow for now.

I am giving myself another shot. One more.

Good day. 

new chapter...

Well... I moved to California and got married in June!!

tweets, me, wife, best friend

After years and years of waiting in Ohio for the Tweets to graduate, my wife (I love to type that) and I are finally in the same city, state, home!! I am going to take the lack of depression from being on opposite sides of the country as a jump start and the motivation to begin to take better care of myself. I am surrounded by sun and warmth here - there is really no excuse to continue the sedentary life I have been accustomed to for the past many years!

I have not been very active yet. It's hard to break from the norm. We have been using the pool as often as we can and I have started to do some laps here and there... It feels like great exercise and does not bring on the pain I have been accustomed to. So that is good. We have also been doing a tiny bit of hiking. I would love to make this a staple in my life as soon as I am not carrying so much weight. As it is right now - my joints and my back do not react well to this activity. I love it though. However, the Wife had a pretty big fall and injured her ankle on our last walk and she is in a boot and out of commission for a while. :( -- Now, I just have to push myself to step out on my own. 

Hard one... 

current weight: 203

All-Time High, All-Time Low

Not much to say at this point... another record in the wrong direction! A few weeks ago, I clocked in at 215 pounds. Just stepped on scale this morning, and see the numbers 2-0-6. I credit the 9 pound difference to packing up my house for a yard sale and my big move west. You see, I am finally moving to California (after years of waiting for our daughter to graduate high school), and I am getting married on June 30th. You would think that would be an awesome incentive to regain control on my physical wellness and weight. You would think... but you would be wrong. 

Honestly, I am in so much pain all of the time. I don't let people know the actual extent. I have a very high tolerance and am convinced that if any of my friends or family had to live in my body for less than a day, they would succumb and understand my plight. The issue here, is that none of that matters. I power through every day, but not enough to bring this weight down and beat this damn fat! My feet and ankles are getting tired of caring me. I feel it. The regular pain is more severe. I have developed a limp and even when I tell myself to stop - I can't. 

I cry. I cry a lot. I am scared that I won't be able to turn this around. I am past mid-forty now, and it's getting harder to do things. Normal things. Where do I go? What do I do?

I'll figure it out at some point. Need to dig for some positive stuff. I am sure I will find some soon. Just needed to vent, and this blog (although not consistent) is my best outlet.

Peace.

Stones

Well - I have surpassed another milestone. 14 stones, to be exact. I am a whopping 196 pounds and weigh a full stone more (that's 14 pounds) than Ricky Gervais!!! Although I would love to be compared to this wonderful animal activist, human rights activist, and comedian in many respects, I absolutely do NOT care for a likeness in weight!

Although I have weighed more in the past - my body feels worse under these particular stones!

I have been battling with myself again. I know this is nothing new. However, 2015 and 2016 were a terrible health years for me. I wish I would have blogged through it, but... hindsight...  I was diagnosed with pretty significant high blood pressure and have been on medication since, had to have emergency gall bladder surgery, abnormal thyroid requiring MORE medication, a full hysterectomy, and put on Estrogen.

Not only did I have health issues, I am in a constant tug-of-war keeping my 17 year old daughter's anxiety/panic disorder in check. Which is not an easy task, and takes all of the energy I do have. I do not sleep, believe I may be battling some actual clinical depression, and I am just hanging on.

I get input and "advice" from some in my life. The problem lies in that I already KNOW the things they offer up. Understanding and living it are two totally different concepts. I honestly feel alone. My partner is across the country. And it kills me that we are not a cohesive family, under one roof. I fear this will never be a realized reality. Emily will be on to other things and then college bound by the time we are "together". And this hurts.

But I digress... Botton line, I am unhealthy. I am sad.

How can I actually believe in myself...?

So many times I have professed my "turn-a-round", to no avail. I am beginning to think I am untrustworthy. How can I ultimately succeed at anything if I consistently sabotage my journey? 

I am scared of where I am going. 

I Am Trying...

After now being diagnosed with dangerously high blood pressure and being ridiculously over fat, do you think it's time for me to wake up? I am trying. I have slipped into ritualistic self hatred and pain. 

I'm trying.

Me... The Yogi

Went to a yoga class today with my sister-in-law. It was tough, but I enjoyed it. The fat encircling my middle makes most of the poses difficult, if not impossible, but I did them to the best of my ability. That is the positive. The negative... I made the mistake of stepping on the scale - I am 6 pounds heavier than last weekend. I don't get it. Don't get it at all... 212.4 pounds. :(